i’ve been away from this for too long.
i never actually know what i want to write about until my fingers hit my yellow keys.
how am i feeling?
what am i feeling?
all questions that go through my head just before i open my blog.
i refuse to write unless the most pure and authentic thoughts surface during take-off.
if they don’t,
then i kindly close my computer, and graciously forfeit.
i lay here, late at night… with the most amazing woman by my side and i count my blessings.
i reflect on my day…
what have i done to make someone smile, could i have done something more to brighten someone else’s day.
i lay here, with a cold heineken in my hand;
-switched out the java for a brew tonight because, why not…-
and all i can think about is drinking from the exact same bottle in the netherlands. after we left the heineken brewery we continued to drink 5 or 6 more bottles because there was no reason not to, really.
this green glass bottle sparked all inspiration for this entry.
i look beside me to be instantly reminded of how great of a time we had venturing through europe for a month on our own.
i think about what we learned. what i learned.
what i’ve taken away from the experience.
and all i know is that the time we spent in foreign countries, has taught me more about life and this world than i could ever learn from a textbook.
terra incognita; [latin ter–rah in-kawg-ni-tah]:
this entry is about doing, being, living… one time.
as i prepare for my journey to southern africa- zimbabwe to be exact, i fear its approach every day.
what have a signed myself up for?
am i even ready?
am i ready to travel entirely across the world, on my own?
what was i thinking? i’m not some professional, instagram famous solo world traveler!!?!
laying awake overthinking everything that could possibly go wrong, i stopped dead in my tracks.
leeanne… slow your roll.
be scared. because there is only so much time for you to scare the shit out of yourself.
(sorry for the swear mom and dad)
with this thought in my head, i take a second to oddly enjoy my extremely terrified- highly apprehensive- panicky mc. panic tron- holy shit i’m freaking out- uncomfortable-… state of mind.
weird. i know.
but think about it,
when is the last time you were scared to do something? maybe not scared,
perhaps unsure is the more appropriate term.
when is the last time you were unsure to do something? or hesitant? because you know well enough that it’s out of your comfort zone, or outside the norm, or doesn’t fit your lifestyle anymore now that you’re old and apparently have learned how to stop living.
being old isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
we need to stop living like it is.
we have one time for everything.
we turn 23, one time.
we’ve felt greif for the first time, once.
we rang in 2017, one time,
we shared a first kiss, one time.
we tried raw eel at sushi without knowing what the heck it would taste like… one time.
– takes a sip of heineken to wash down the thought of eating raw eel…-
each individual moment that passes through the day, only happens one time.
far too often we take tomorrow for granted, not realizing that moments have passed us by and we won’t ever….get them back.
i am very aware of the uncertainty of tomorrow. not many people are, i fear.
but what happens if tomorrow, just doesn’t happen?
will you be satisfied with what you’ve accomplished in your life.
will you wish you travelled more? laughed more? maybe spent more money?
if we know tomorrow isn’t promised, then perhaps we need to start taking these
“one time” moments
and turn them into something more profound.
i’m starting to learn how to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.
and how to embrace my fears, and appreciate their importance.
because without knowing what would cause fear and uncertainty in our life…
what else would leave us secure in our comfort zone?
traveling to africa, aka… a world away from here…
aka… the furthest thing from my comfort zone…
is teaching me an abundance of knowledge. valuable knowledge. knowledge about myself and my place on this earth. knowledge and reasoning as to why doing things for your own self is so important. it puts things into perspective for me. it allows me to dive into something completely different and extreme. it allows me to be scared, and uncomfortable.
perhaps for just this one time.
my first solo journey, i will feel all of these feelings.
perhaps, this will be the first of many journeys.
perhaps with every new journey i’ll become less and less unsure……afraid.
but for this exact moment in time, i am scared…
but… guess what?
for close friends and family who tell me on a regular basis not to get eaten by a tiger, know that i will be okay. i’m comfortable with my impulsive decision to flee my well-oiled, highly functioning life, and throw myself into something completely outside of my norm.
i’m nervous, and weary, and cautious.
i will continue to be nervous, weary and cautious probably until i return from this adventure. but for now, those are my secondary feelings.
primarily, i’m ready to live in the now. in the moment that’s happening right now. the moment that i will never get back. in this moment my spirit is free. my spirit holds a trust in the universe as it knows what happens will happen. i focus on my able feet. not the footprints i’ve left behind me, or the path that is ahead of me.
don’t be scared to jump into something that might be completely and utterly out of your comfort zone…
either way, embrace that feeling and understand its importance in your own growth and well-being.
“life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”-neale.d.walsch
one of my favourite quotes.
but seriously… do just that.
try something new, dig into something different. life is such a precious gift, and there is no time to regret or waste precious moments. instead make the very most of them.
live for right now,
because ultimately…you only have one time to do it.